Wednesday, August 9, 2017

Who Needs a House When You Have Avocado Toast and No Future?

Photo credit: Sushigirlatx instagram

Because we may not have long left on this Earth thanks to our fearless leader's noble tweets, I thought I'd share a vital recipe to our Millennial lives:

Avocado toast.

Is there really anything better? Artisan bread with ancient grains, smooth, creamy French butter, a smashed avocado, and all your hopes and dreams.

Photo credit: Sushigirlatx Instagram

Avocado Toast
You will need:

  • 1 Avocado ~$25,000, roughly your yearly paycheck after graduation and/or one year of tuition at a state university
  • 2 slices Artisan bread ~$5,000? Carbs amirite?
  • 1 pat high quality French butter ~a million dollars, it's French
  • 1 pinch Himalayan sea salt, preferably one you got on your yearly summer trip to Asia where you took selfies with disadvantaged youth ~$10,000*
  • 2 pinches crushed red pepper, from Italian vacation backpacking through Europe ANYONE CAN TRAVEL IF YOU PUT YOUR MIND TO IT ~$8,752
  • drizzle of olive oil from that same vacation when you extended it a week to visit Athens ~$2000 because aren't they going through some sort of economic crisis? Now is the time to book your flight.
  • Eccoutrements! Such as veggies from the Farmers' Markets, meats of all sorts, extra gluten, poached goose egg $85-7000
  • 1 glass Charles Shaw wine 2 BUCK CHUCK FTW $2 (because you're using a glass that holds the whole bottle)

-Slice the avocado in half --if you're over 26 and no longer on your parents' health insurance, please be careful with the knife--and scoop out just enough of the fruit** to leave at least a centimeter (metric system is cooler than you) of flesh in the peel. Fill with your favorite fair trade latte and set aside to sip while you complete your meal.

-Place your slices of Artisan bread in the toaster and remember what the warmth feels like because nuclear winter might be an actual thing to be afraid of soon. Allow the bread to toast until it's the color of President Trump's skin after too many rounds of golf at his resort.

-As you consider your future and crippling student debt, spread the softened butter over the crusty surface. Book another vacation on your credit card because #YOLO.

-Use a fork to press the avocado bits onto the bread. Sprinkle the salt and crushed red pepper over the top and notice that it kind of looks like nuclear fallout. Or does it? We'll know soon!

-Drizzle with that drizzle of olive oil. Is it organic? If not you better get your ass back to Greece and get a new one.

-Do not serve on a napkin because you're a Millennial and we are KILLING the napkin industry so hard right now.

-Make sure the lighting is perfect for your Instagram photo. Use the portrait setting (YOU'RE WELCOME) and then wash it out with filters. #hashtag.

-Take a bite and kiss your dreams of owning your own house goodbye. The American dream is dead anyway (we killed it) Because war and avocados. Haha, aren't Millennials the worst?

Photo credit: Thesmokingho Instagram

*Feel free to substitute with the tears of baby boomers who are rly dissapoint in you rite now
**YES, Avocado is a fruit, not a vegetable, you plebeian. #mansplaining


  1. Deaaaad. Love this. Man, we millennials are the worst *eye roll*

    1. Very witty...and looks tasty! We all may be dead in the near future, but we'll eat like kings getting to that point...bon appétit!

  2. I love avocado toast! I'll definitely have to try this recipe. Thanks for the great idea!

  3. Looks so yummy and amazing. I can imagine its taste and i am sure it is yummiest. Will try this sure.

  4. Looks so yummy and amazing. I can imagine its taste and i am sure it is yummiest. Will try this sure.

  5. This looks so appetizing yet so healthy. I love adding avocado to my morning toast.
    From: Calleigh K - TheForkBite

  6. Those are some insane levels of snark! At least you're not killing the snark industry. I just hope it goes with Two Buck Chuck. I have to admit that I've never had avocado toast, but if it's worth giving up houses for, I probably should try it.

    1. On occasion, my comedy and food blog lives intersect... not sure how effective it all is though, lol.

  7. Your millennial avo on toast sounds a lot more interesting than my poor old Gen X mortgage zapper.

    1. Haha, what zapped your mortgage? Apparently it's all this toast's fault for us Millennials.

  8. This is so clever! Haha! How about sweet potato toast? ;-D

  9. Not sure whether to laugh or cry. Perhaps I'll just eat all the toast.